Last week, AHS: Coven premiered and it was every bit as f-ed up and twisted as I hoped. We were introduced to most of our big players for the season, as well as our first few gory deaths.
Since it seems we will be (once again) treated to flashbacks throughout the season, let’s focus on the show in 2 parts, shall we?
Kathy Bates is already knocking it out of the park as the deplorable Madame LaLaurie.
We are introduced to her as she is introducing her daughters to society. All hell begins to break loose, as one of the daughters lets the party know that she’s more…experienced…than her mother may let on and decides that a slave will better suit her tastes…plus they can’t say no…Clearly fucked-up-ness runs in this family.
LaLaurie’s daughter and the slave are caught together and, although she was taking advantage of him (yes…men CAN get raped), Lalaurie takes the slave to her torture chamber, where Ryan Murphy reeaaally freaking let loose with the horrors.
As LaLaurie’s slave makes his way to his own special fate, we are given glimpses the horror that she’s already inflicted. Flayed faces, eyes and mouths sewn shut, people covered in vomit…you get the picture. She had a special treat in store for the unfortunate that was caught swirling it up, however…
What you are seeing here is a REAL bull’s head on a REAL human body…cuz ya know, Crazy Lady LaLaurie likes Greek mythology!
Later, we find out that the Minotaur’s human part was none other than the lover of
the fucking fabulous Angela Bassett’s Marie Laveau, Voodoo Queen of New Orleans, and Kathy Bates “done messed wit’ tha wrooong witch”.
She shows up as a peddler to LaLaurie’s home, promising her the cure for what’s been ailing her, age. Madame takes the bait and soon enough, is foaming at the mouth on the floor with Laveau standing over her.
Poor Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) has just had her first and, one would think, last sexual experience, since she finds out the hard way that being able to bang a guy’s brains out is NOT always as awesome as it sounds.
Upon the discovery, her mother ships her off with Francis Conroy to a home for girls with…unusual…powers. On the way, she learns that she’s the descendant of a real Salem witch. Contrary to popular belief, the real witches weren’t hanged, but were smart enough to flee to New Orleans when they saw innocent bitches were being hanged.
Zoe arrives at Madame Robicheaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, and it’s here that we meet: Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) , who’s basically Carrie if she were the popular hot girl that pranked her at prom, Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), who’s badass and (in case you missed her BLATANTLY STATING IT) a human voodoo doll, meaning she can inflict pain on herself and direct it onto whomever she pleases, and Nan, (Jamie Brewer) the sensitive clairvoyant who die-hards will remember as Addie from Murder House.
The 3 pupils proceed to give Zoe the world’s worst witching school welcome (take THAT alliteration!) and it’s soon after that we meet the school’s dainty and soft spoken Headmistress, Cordelia…think Miss Honey from Matilda.
Meanwhile, across the country, we meet the Trunchbull to our Honey…the demanding, coked-up, youth seeking Fiona, played by the amazing Jessica Lange. Did I also mention she’s the Supreme? Meaning she’s all-powerful and possesses countless talents? The Queen of Witches, everybody. In her first few moments onscreen, we see her go all Mommy Dearest meets Hocus Pocus on Dr. Asian Dylan McDermott, demanding his youth serum and sucking the life out of him when he refuses to up her dosage. That’s one serious
Fiona’s attention is captured by a news story about a young woman named Misty Day, a witch, that has been reportedly burned at the stake once her community found out about her ability to bring the dead back to life. Quicker than you can say “Botox!”, Fiona is at her daughter (gasp!) Cordelia’s doorstep in NO, telling her to have a seat because her teaching style sucks…I smell a Professor X v. Magneto-like clash coming between these two.
Fiona proceeds to take the girls on a trip of the city, when Nan leads them to Madame Lalaurie’s former home. The girls get a free tour, thanks to Jedi Jessica the Supreme and upon it’s conclusion, Nan tells the wrong witch that Lalaurie is buried in her own backyard.
Later that evening, Madison invites her new bff by default Zoe to a frat party, because what could POSSIBLY go happen? According to Ryan Murphy, if you go to a frat party, you get one of two things…gang raped or you find your true love. Madison gets the short end of the stick while Zoe meets
Tate Kyle a la Romeo+Juliet and they flirt it up, while Madison’s (quite graphically) passed around…and recorded…ugh…Zoe and Kyle happen upon the room and scare off the frat guys, and Kyle, the only bro opposed to what happened, gets beat up on the bus while Madison gets her revenge by flipping the shit out of it with her powers, killing all inside but 2.
Zoe goes to the hospital in hopes that she and Tate aren’t already separated again because it’s only the first episode, but alas, he’s dead and Madison’s primary rapist is alive. Enter: the one time Zoe’s power actually came in handy. She proceeded to turn the tables on him, by raping him (2 male rapes and a gang rape in one episode Ryan?!), killing him.
Meanwhile, Fiona was up to her own witchy business….digging up the still living, not living dead, but legit living Madame LaLaurie. Fiona’s first question to the serial killer? Wanting to know her secret for not rotting…eternal youth (or eternal look-however-old-you-are-when-you-take-the-potion-ness).
So what did you think of the first episode of Coven? How did it hold up against Murder House and Asylum? And most importantly…how much fun is it going to be to have the words witch and bitch on a rotary all season?! Let us know your thoughts below!